| Life reboot - Part 1: Waking up | 1 comment |
 4 Sep 2009 @ 21:33Just another morning... The alarm goes off in the late morning and I snooze it, again and again... for at least an hour. Why wake up? Dreaming is so pleasant. I dreamt for hours in the mornings. Reconstructed the past, looked at variations of unsolvable situations, tested future possible scenarios. That’s the job of the mind, searching for solutions. How to survive, how to win. I decided to let it run away, maybe it would dream up the final solution that will set all things just right. So I pushed the snooze button on the clock every 10 minutes and dreamt away... I am part of the elite corps again... the situation is hopeless all around, the planet is flooded, we are trying to get everyone evacuated, senior officers are shouting commands, we are running to save lives of others not caring about our own - and all what I am busy with is a strong protest, disagreement with the orders, the commanders, the whole situation. It is just not right, it should be handled another way! ... ... It should never have happened! Then I am at my office desk, facing the same old problems, frantic situation, I am getting into trouble again. My senior comes in and we argue away, no change, no solution. Then I meet a soul mate again, I feel the strong desire, hopes are high, but at the end we just cannot get it together... Again, the alarm clock goes off, but I reject the so called real world, no, I want to solve the past, the present, the future, all in my mind, it is all there, all to be figured out and adjusted somehow. After the last snooze, I have to wake up, and face the day. Stayed a lot indoors, working from home, not going out much. Most of the social life can be handled through the net so easily. I looked for solutions: maybe some vitamin deficiency? Change of hormones? Age? That was almost explained: above thirty one is not anymore so young or fresh, party-life is for the youth, it is better to sleep on time - except I never did, but stayed up late, looking for answers, figuring about the solutions. Time flied by, it was rather timelessness. Evenings came too quickly. Switched on the TV so at least I did not have to think, just let it all flow in. The streams of pictures and stories relaxed my troubled mind, so I believed. Watching films was another opportunity to passively dream away. Movies would maybe come up with the solution to my unresolved past and the unanswered questions about file. Maybe, I never knew. So I was watching movies, watching and watching and watching. How others do it? What are all the possibilities, all the solutions to love, to success, to a life well lived? How to get out of the messiest situations? How to wake up after the hardest blows that life delivers? How to live, how to love, how to die? It turned on lots of figure-figure, you know, the mind running away, going on and on and on. And I had things to dream about, again and again. And one day the alarm went off… but at this time for real. I realized that there is a difference between my real dreams and the dreams my mind is making up. It was suddenly obvious, that being withdrawn, introvert and tired were just signals. Signs of being stopped in what I really want to do. Signs of almost buried, nearly lost purposes. Failed purposes. In a shock, I woke up. And suddenly I did not anymore reach for the snooze button. Part 2: The trap |